Today’s topic asks us to talk about the thing(s) that we’re most afraid of which means I’m going to get a little serious in this post. There’s no way for me to talk about the things I’m truly afraid of without a bit of emotion peeking in.
There are very few things that I’m actually afraid of. The other day we talked about things that make us uncomfortable and while they give me the heebie-jeebies they don’t stop me doing them. I hate heights but if someone wanted me to jump out of an airplane I’d probably do it just to say I did. And I’ve been known to wear sweats in public. The only exceptions to that list are anything to do with snakes and watching sex scenes with my dad, those are pretty much out no matter what. 🙂
The number one thing that I’m most afraid of is something bad happening or losing someone I love. We’ve all experienced it before and it hurts like hell. Sometimes the answer to life’s big question “what happens next?” is death. It’s a fact of life. That doesn’t mean I have to like it. I’ve been witness (from behind the scenes) to so many deaths I can’t even count anymore. It’s a part of my job, there’s no way around it. I help teach a student academy class explaining my job and one of the things we tell students is no one calls 911 because they’re having a good day. I never know what’s going to be on the other end of that phone call. Which brings me to my other fear; something I say or do changes the outcome from good to bad. That can be a scary thought. In the moment we don’t think about any of that, we’re taught to stay calm no matter what’s happening, but when it’s all said and done sometimes that scariness seeps in and you start analyzing what was really happening.
A lot of things have changed the way I see life. Maybe I enjoy it more because I’ve been through some of these things. One day especially opened my eyes to how life changes in the blink of an eye. A few years ago on a Monday morning a little after 3AM a man who had been pulled over pointed a gun at a county deputy and started a police chase through the city I work in. He ended up being shot and killed less than 500 feet from where I was sitting. My co-worker and I actually saw the flashing lights and heard the shots. At the time we were so busy I couldn’t think of anything except work but even now I remember almost every detail about it. It was the first call I had ever been involved in where an officer had to end someone’s life. For the first week after that I slept horribly. At the time I had said I wasn’t affected, how could I be because I was barely involved but looking back it had affected me more than I realized and I now know why. That day also happened to be my birthday. Someone died on the day I was born. It was strange for me; a carefree girl in her mid-twenties joking and laughing with my co-worker while someone else was seriously troubled and ended up dying because of it. I don’t think about it very often but every year on that day in August I stop and say a short prayer for his family. Because while I’m out celebrating, having the time of my life their mourning the loss of his.
Yesterday I was told I was a lucky lady and I know that I am. I have a great life, a great family and I always tell them I love them but there are some days when I leave work that I have a better understanding of just how lucky I am. I hug W a little tighter (and my 4-legged kiddos) and I call my family because sometimes that’s all you need to feel better.
Really, the uncertainty of life, combining all of that above, is what I’m afraid of. It also makes it interesting though which is what it’s all about.
I told this was going to get deep 😉 So to bring a smile to your face how about a picture of a cute dog? (The cats weren’t interested in being photographed.)