Every Day In May – Day 20

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Today’s topic is to talk about something I’m struggling with right now. Like I mentioned in my post from Day 16 I don’t have a lot that I’m struggling with and even less real things to complain about. But the one personal struggle that I sometimes always have is body image. I always feel a little goofy talking about it though because I’m of an average size and I’m not one of those girl’s who complains about being fat when she’s not. It’s just one of those nagging inner struggles that never goes away. I have had an issue with it since junior high. I have no idea where it comes from either because my schoolmates never made fun of me (…either that or I have some serious issues and have blocked it but I’m pretty sure that’s not it) and I’m not one of those people who has ever had a significant change (up or down) in weight. But it’s there and it’s FRUSTRATING!

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After college and moving to Colorado I put on some winter weight that decided to stick around for the rest of the year. I was adjusting to a lot of things and for a while I wasn’t happy with things in our life so I stopped working out and didn’t care about healthy eating. Then a few years ago I decided to go for a run (which if you’re ever interested you can read about here) and remembered that running and working out were things I missed. Next thing I knew I was back on track for eating healthy and eventually I lost 25 lbs.

Sometimes though I think I get a little (my husband would say a lot) obsessed. I love to exercise but sometimes I push it to the extreme. Before my surgery it was common for me to work out 7 days a week, 2 times 3 days a week. Occasionally I would take a break if I was on vacation or was really busy. And I am very often busy. Sometimes I get so caught up doing something that I don’t keep a regular eating schedule. Very rarely do I eat breakfast, I’ll eat a small snack and then eat dinner. I had finally adjusted to semi-normal eating habits when I was working on days but even then everything went into the FitnessPal Tracker (which is awesome). Now that I’m back to working nights I’ve fallen back into my old habits. I eat dinner before work, maybe a snack around 3AM and then won’t eat again until dinner the following night because I’m sleeping. Don’t get my wrong…I LOVE food. In fact I adore food. I talk about it all the time and I will pretty much eat anything someone hands me but guaranteed in the back of my mind I’m figuring out how much exercise I need to break even.

I am working on being more accepting of myself. These last 5 months (and today is exactly 5 months since my surgery!! Woo hoo! But I digress…) have been a wake up call of sorts. This sounds seriously stupid but my biggest fear about having major, extremely painful foot surgery was how much weight would I gain without exercising? That was my biggest fear until the day of the surgery when I had a panic attack on the drive there but again, different story. There’s no breaking even using exercise when you’re on 3 month bed-rest and there’s no way you can’t eat, especially with all those pills they stick you on. I have gained a few pounds but I just keep telling myself that it doesn’t change who I am. I’m re-teaching myself not to forget to eat all day because I’m too busy. Although lately my excuse has been I haven’t been grocery shopping in weeks since we’ve been here and there and everywhere so there is nothing to eat in my house. It’s a work in progress and slowly we’ll get there.

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One thought on “Every Day In May – Day 20

  1. I sympathize! It’s always in the back of my mind. I was finally starting to get more comfortable with myself (using actual weights started to pay off), enough to wear a slightly shorter shirt to karaoke Saturday night (not midriff baring… unless I lifted my arms). Then I spotted a picture of me on my bestfriend’s phone, pointing to the rest of the room or something. I’m sure I had just taken a big breath to support some long line of lyrics or something, but it makes me feel like that self-confidence wasn’t quite as well founded as I thought. Ugh. Good luck!

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